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The Killer Laundry Tub

The Tale of the Killer Laundry Tub

     One look at this decrepit cement laundry tub and you could feel doom and disaster emanating from it. The “best case scenario” flashes across your mind: It’s lasted for 95 years, maybe it will last another 20. The “worst case scenario” in you quickly counter punches: What if it falls off the wall? What if it falls off the wall at night or while on vacation and rips that old plumbing off the wall? Water gushing onto the floor as if a truck crashed into a fire hydrant; flooded basement, mold, insurance adjusters. Not to mention years of the “Good Stuff” you’ve been storing in the basement now has to be thrown out – so much stuff that you need to get a huge dumpster. As you stare at this agent of doom, tossing your lucky coin in the air, the logical voice smoothly enters your head: Maybe I should call Verne & Ellsworth Hann and have them replace this ticking plumbing time bomb. No more worrying at night or while away from the house. With the added bonus of an actual upgrade to the old basement. You keeping tossing your lucky coin into the air while all three voices in your head have a never ending senatorial debate that leaves your decision making paralyzed. Then it happens, your lucky coin bounces from your grasp and rolls under the decrepit cement laundry tub. You get down on your hands and knees and inch closer to the agent of doom becoming increasingly aware of the primordial scum growing under the tub. The coin has rolled all the way to the wall. But this is your lucky coin we’re talking about, the one handed down from your grandfather by his grandfather. You can’t allow it to disintegrate in the Chernobyl like goo. On your belly now, inching closer. Your fingers can feel it.

     And at that critical moment, the last rusted leg gives way and the cement tub crashes  down on your back, pinning you face first in the Paleozoic scum. The immense weight crushing your shoulders, ribs and head. Your breaths are short. Your life flashes before you.

     Fortunately, you were in week six of your Human Growth Hormone replacement program. First with your forearms, then with your hands, you’re able to elevate the cement beast. Like Atlas with the weight of the world upon you, you’re able to extract yourself from certain death. And you have your lucky coin!

     As you toss the cement tub off your back, the old galvanized plumbing lines break off the wall and both icy cold water and scolding hot water rinse the Chernobyl scum from your face and body. You’re on your knees, arms raised in the air, and like Marlon Brando in “A Streetcar Named Desire” calling for Stella, you start screaming: Call Verne & Ellsworth Hann! Call Verne & Ellsworth Hann! 216-932-9755. They come out and solve your plumbing apocalypse.

     Good thing you had that lucky coin.

     Life is a dream.

What People Are Saying

  • You guys were amazing!  So happy with you and LOVE our new furnace!

    - Bill F.( Chagrin Falls, Furnace Installation, March 2018 )
  • Professional and courteous.  Fair and accurate estimate.  Great job guys!

    - Steve A.( Solon, Furnace Installation, March 2018 )
  • Verne & Ellsworth Hann Inc. installed two furnaces 21 years ago.  I had to have one furnace replaced.  They do excellent work.  I am very pleased with the furnace and the service and the company.

    - Robert W.( Cleveland, Furnace Installation, March 2018 )
  • Verne & Ellsworth Hann were extremely professional and efficient.  The boiler they installed works better than the old one and their price could not be matched.  Outstanding work, outstanding quality, outstanding price.

    - Duncan B.( Shaker Heights, Boiler Installation, March 2018 )
  • We appreciate the personalized, professional service!  And thank you for supporting our neighborhood newspaper, The Connection (Shaker Square)!

    - Kenneth K.( Shaker Heights, Boiler Installation, February 2018 )